oversharing? maybe.

alright.. i'm pretty sure i posted exactly WHY i have PTSD on facebook. it's not really anyone's business but for a second there (i'll probably regret this later), i wanted people to understand why i ran off when i was 16 and i still have goals to live on the east coast. my psychologist came up with one of the reasons- my immune system or brain must've built up this need to separate from my mother because i told her about how when i was younger, i always wanted to be by my grandparents and i even had a room at their house until i got in a car accident when i was 16. an ignorant, naive person is probably saying, "i don't see why she couldn't have just ignored her mom and lived with her. she was in sports and school- not much time to see her mom.." my mom always has to play the victim. i'm not sure if it's because of her disability or because my grandma coddled her when she was alive (i'm pretty sure it was because she felt responsible for her disability when babies NATURALLY are born with the umbilical chord around their neck.. yet somehow my grandma just ignored that for whatever reason.. could be because my mom was her only daughter? i'm not really sure). however, that narcissism led to my mom being selfish- she still is. i remember hearing her whine to my grandma (when i used to go to my mom's house to see my grandma every other weekend while she was still alive and i was living in my very first apartment in minneapolis and for a while in burnsville) about how she didn't wanna stay home with me instead of go to the bar and play pool with her boyfriend carlos (this was when i was still wheelchair dependant). SHE DOESN'T REALLY CARE FOR ME! SHE JUST LIKES THE ATTENTION SHE GETS FROM BEING MY MOM AND APPEARING "CONCERNED" AND/OR WORRIED ABOUT ME LIVING A LIFE OF MY OWN. she used to always try to play the "cool" mom and tried to act careless when i'd tell her i wanted to live in new york, she'd always say, "IT'S YOUR LIFE! LIVE WHERE YOU WANT!" so i'm sure amanda has something to do with her acting concerned about me so it looks like she actually has a reason not to help me do what she told my grandma she'd do (help me move to new york). then i have ANOTHER surgery on my bowel and i look at the causes for a blocked bowel and it says "trauma to the bowel". i was sitting at my computer, not turning and nothing was touching my stomach and i feel a pain resembling a baby kicking your abdomen. it didn't go away- so after i went to the bathroom (i could just pee at that time and i didn't see any blood- so it wasn't my period), i called the ics here and they told me they'd take me to regions to check it out. i went to regions and called both amanda and her mom with no answer, so i left them both messages where i was. i'm not sure either of them were concerned because i don't remember receiving a call from either of them after. then i remembered my cousin joe and i told him, he did a video call with me on facebook to make sure i was alright and he was gonna come see me but they released me right away. so that erases "family support" from the reason to remain in this state wasting my potential and life because i KNOW that joe would actually visit me in whatever state i move to. the rest of my family doesn't come to my apartment to come see me and i don't talk to any of them on any social networking programs or the phone. there's a good chance that i continue to have these nightmares reminscing the abuse and neglect i experienced when i was younger. DOESN'T CONCERN AMANDA THOUGH! JUST HAVE STACY WASTE HER TIME AT COURAGE KENNY EVEN THOUGH SHE'S ALREADY BEEN TO THAT OVERRATED WASTE OF SPACE WHERE THEY DIDN'T REALLY HELP ME. IT WAS ALL TRAM HOLLOWAY AND THE ARP THERAPY HE HOOKED ME UP TO AND HE'D COME TO MY APARTMENT PERSONALLY WITH HIS ARP MACHINES, I REMEMBER HIM TELLING MY GRANDMA THAT HE'D HAVE ME OUTTA MY WHEELCHAIR. MY GRANDMA LAUGHED SARCASTICALLY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE CONFIDENCE IF SHE HADN'T ACTUALLY SEEN THE RESULTS. i don't even own a wheelchair anymore. just a cane. maybe now people will understand that i ran off to new york because my mom NEVER showed ANY concern for me and i didn't really see a clear future for myself. call me "ungrateful" or wtf you want for running off to new york when having so much going for me but it doesn't really make any damn sense if you aren't aware of EVERYTHING that happened in my life. i'm pretty sure i remember first having the dreams reminiscing how my mom held me in front of her while my dad kicked at her (but kicked me instead because she used me as a shield) when i was in the hospital having the surgery and i know i had them right when i came back to my apartment after having surgery on my blocked bowel during probably the first week or so. i told my psychologist about having these dreams and she diagnosed me with PTSD. i hadn't been diagnosed with PTSD until after i had my last bowel surgery and i KNOW that gillette kept checking if i had it when i was going there probably around 20 years ago because i was in such a traumatic car accident and they could never really diagnose me with it because i didn't really have any traumatizing dreams about the car accident. pretty damn sad that it takes being kicked by a parent because the other parent was using you as a human shield while being kicked at by them and NOT ALMOST dying when you were 16. maybe getting kicked was more traumatizing to me because it was by people who i actually trusted and the first people i ever seen in life? i'm not really sure. my brain confuses me. i could care less if anyone thinks i shouldn't have shared that- it shows you why i am the way i am. plus, i don't really care about what you think about why i am the way i am or i wouldn't have even shared it.